Posts Tagged accountability
Fighting Me
You know, jealousy is a tough thing to bear. Sometimes it can be so strong in my mind. All this week I’ve been pretty depressed. I haven’t felt like I’ve been productive so naturally I started thinking of ways to try and be, to do something useful. I thought about next year, the next few months, then started thinking about all the people I know that seem to have so much going for them and making enormous amounts of money at my age with more opportunities pouring in every day. Even today talking to a friend he mentioned getting an offer to make about 50k in about 3 weeks doing some work. That’s more than I have ever made in a year, about twice as much actually. In three weeks mind you. Even while talking he had to leave for a second because he had gotten a phone call for more work. Things like that seem to happening around me a lot lately and I think it’s because God is trying to teach me something very critical. THIS WORLD MEANS NOTHING, Christ means everything, I mean nothing, Christ means everything, what I want means nothing, Christ means everything, material possessions mean nothing, Christ means everything, and on and on it goes. I really had to break myself today and tell myself to shut up. Somehow the enemy had me convinced that I wasn’t doing anything and was going nowhere. Have I forgotten where I’ve come from? What has God done in the last few years of my life? How could I even think how I was…I can’t believe myself. I have two jobs, both of which look to be making me more than I’ve ever made in a year. One of them is marketing a film for the entire year and I’m only 21 years old. Another is working for one of the most well known Christian filmmakers ever. I have a feature film almost completed after 3 years of tireless work, and it’s possible it could be in national stores this August, just after my 22nd birthday. I have a girlfriend who loves me and is one of the greatest people in my life. I have parents who love me, a house to live in, my expenses are pretty low, my income is high, God has gifted me with talents to use for His names sake…WHAT AM I DOING!
I’m telling you…anybody that may read this blog. Please do not put me on a pedestal. I don’t say that to sound self-righteous, as if I would ever be even remotely worthy of being put on one or could understand if somebody did. Do not place me in some untouchable place, because I fail all the time. I’m a human being who makes a ton of mistakes. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past few years, it’s that people who you come to love and respect, are just as capable of tearing you down, disappointing you, etc. than anybody else. Nothing about their knowledge, age, status, etc. means anything in those situations. All fall short of perfection. Just being honest with all of you, I’m not a prime example to be followed. I thank all that read this and gain something positive from it, but God gets the credit for that because more often than not this blog is full of my crap and not my Christ. Shame on me for that, but I’m glad God uses it somehow…
God is doing great things, and I’m really excited to see what new opportunities open after this film comes out. I don’t know where I’m going with this career or what I’m going to do completely, but God does. Just doing the best I can to keep up…I have no reasons to be complaining, NONE.
We have about 125 churches signed up to receive information about how to hold church screenings of Standing Firm when the time comes. That’s really awesome news for me. The list grows every day. I’m stoked to see how many of our list actually sign up to have a screening at their church, that’s going to be awesome. We won’t be in theaters but we could be at a church near you! 
Thanks to all who read this and decide to come back…I appreciate the support. Blessings to you!
Waiting…and Waiting…
Which way Big Guy? I'm Game!
The past two days were pretty uneventful again, JUST KIDDING! Nah it was great. Monday morning I woke up to an email from Affirm Films asking for a few things. No “hey we would like to distribute your film” but no “take this trash and go away” either So that’s good news, just gotta be patient and give them what they ask for until they assess things properly and make a decision. It’s a business just like any other, no reason to get involved with someone bad for business, so they can mull over it all they want!
I’m waiting on a call from The Chapel still in regards to that ministry position. I’ve given it a lot of thought, talked with a friend or two, and I’m just being patient there as well. It’s Wednesday when I’m writing this and it’s only one week after initial meetings so that isn’t a lot of time passed. Just like Affirm, I want everyone to give things serious thought and consideration before making a move. Just like I don’t want my film to go to someone God doesn’t want, I don’t want to go into ministry if it’s not His Will either.
God is teaching me a lot of things in the past few months. There have been many lessons to be learned, and changes to be made. Although I have done my fair share of horrible things this Summer in mind, spirit, etc. just as everyone else has…He has been merciful and shown me the errors I’ve made. Man I know obediance is a CHOICE and not something you “try,” but it’s hard to do it sometimes. I’ll be honest here and tell you all something that is no secret amongst a few close friends, and if your a guy you can relate. This world is mighty tempting, in more ways than one. The fight is in the mind, and it’s a daily struggle. Magazines in gas stations, ads on Facebook which are VERY revealing and unncessary, the internet overall, just clicking through TV channels can cause some serious issues. It isn’t just a guy thing either, but you know exactly what I’m talking about. I told my buddy that driving through Vegas on the way to Los Angeles was a really difficult time. I got stuck in traffic and there are pornographic billboards every 50ft on the left and right. This world is so difficult, and any man who claims to be 100% free of it’s snairs is a liar. Purity of mind is where I struggle the most, and I would appreciate some prayer in that area of my life. It’s a problem that trickles down into your life, your friends, and if it escallates into truly dangerous territory, it can destroy marriages, relationships with future children, and all things inbetween. I think temptating for me hits hard when it’s time to start making decisions. The enemy doesn’t want me to have clarity in my decision making, so it’s times like now that I really need prayer from anyone who reads this, that I would stay strong.
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” (Romans 12:2)
That being said, the past two days have been pretty fun. I’ve met a load of new people, had a lot of fun, crashed at a friends place (which I haven’t done in years actually), and just enjoyed some great fellowship. That is one benefit of this ministry position is the social health it’ll bring me. I really need some daily fellowship, and with this I’ll get it at work and out of work because I’m closer to folks I want to get to know a lot better. I’m not interested in weekend buddies, I want to grow some seriously deep and meaningful friendships with people I care about. I’m looking forward to seeing if this ministry job is God’s Will or if He wants me to wait, stay in Ransomville, and stay at Niagara Frontier Bible Church.
Another cool development is I sold a few pieces of film equipment for some good prices and just last night spent a chunk of it on some computer pieces I need. I have 8GB of RAM coming in the mail as well as a new GPU (ATI 4870) for my Mac. That combined with the Intensity Card I just bought, will have me all set to do what I need on the film smoothly. The graphics card I have now is doing OK with these dual screens but a new GPU will give me a serious boost, as well as FCP performance, and the RAM will help me a lot with multitasking which has been an interesting task combined with the RAM I have now, and the fact the graphics card is trying to handle what’s open, and the displays at the same time. Until you break down what your throwing at your machine, having 13GB RAM in your computer doesn’t make much sense…
So yea, other than that the Standing Firm edit is coming along well. Just plugging along… I’m excited to see what the rest of this year brings, and the year to come!
A Long Day
It’s about 12:16am on Friday (writing Thursdays post) and I’ve been up for about 20 hours or so. Since I got up at 5:30 today from falling asleep early the previous night, I was sure the day was going to feel long. It wasn’t as bad as I thought until later in the day. I sat around in the morning relaxing for many hours before I had to be to work. It was actually kinda nice having that much time to just chill before work, maybe I’ll make a day during the week where I go to bed early and wake up earlier just to have that kind of time. I also finally got ahold of Julian Smith, a friend of many friends of mine from NY and one of the most talented guys I’ve ever seen. He was in LA today and tomorrow but is way busy. I hope to hook up and meet him in July when he is here for 3 weeks. That should leave him enough time to setup a meeting. Working with him on something would be amazing. He’s my age but is getting involved in some very big stuff with companies like YouTube, Facebook, etc. He’s a gold-mine for these places, and other people better jump on board because this kid is gonna be HUGE in a year or so. If I had a way to get paid I would drop everything and help him in a heartbeat. Work was normal today. I had to do a few odd things, tweak the edit of Book of Ruth via the notes I got from the Director/Producer, and start getting a lot of the coloring done on the film. The coloring is about 2/3rd or so done after about 6 hours of work, not bad considering. The film has a lot of problems in it visually that can only be band-aided so far. We’ll see how everyone likes it when they see the new cut I posted at the end of the day. Hopefully I can get this thing done soon, as there are other projects around that need to be completed. We’ll see how things go in the next three months. I’m looking forward to seeing if God keeps me here, or brings another opportunity my way. I actually found a job posting that interested me today. There is a lot of opportunity out here 
Anyways I was debating all day whether or not to go to small groups, because I had been up for a while already and it’s a 35min drive there or so. I just decided what the heck and went. It was great as usual, we talked about lots of things and went over a lesson that’s being done. Today we talked a lot about suffering. Since I’m from NFBC and Pastor Billy has been there a while I had much to say on the topic, haha. Afterwards I drove home blasting music, enjoying the wind in my hair as I ripped down the highway. I was really hungry so I stopped at an Arby’s to pick up some grub. When I pulled up to get my food and Spanish music was playing in the background and a yell in Spanish comes from the back of the kitchen and the guy who is giving me my food yells “Si!,” you know your not in Kansas anymore, lol. I think I’ve met and interacted with more Asian and Spanish folks than ever before since I got here. That was something we talked about in small group…change. I think I really needed this move just to get out of the little bubble I was in, whether I was comfortable or not. I needed to get outside my comfort zone a little, meet new people, interact with folks that weren’t from my church family. Even back home I was in this protective little circle and didn’t experience much outside of it. Even if it’s passing someone on the sidewalk who is speaking Japanese, it’s something new for me. Everyone back home speaks english and for the most part is white, here it’s EVERYTHING mashed into one space so you get a little of each.
New Monitors, yay!
I also got my new monitors in the mail today, which was awesome. I opened them up and got them all plugged in and warmed up. It was awesome! They’re so big and bright. I can now view 1080HD content in full resolution on my computer which is awesome. I’m also doubling the second monitor as a TV and hooked up my PS3 to it. I can watch Blu-ray movies now while I work! 
This is a bit of a dream setup for me so I’m stoked to have it. For the price of BOTH of these, it’s insane what I got. They’re brand new also, which made the deal even more ridiculous.
Overall a pretty decent day, although I do have some thinking to do about the future. We’ll see where the wind takes me.
