The end of the month is rapidly approaching, and I have more to do and deal with than I can handle. My finances are in shambles right now…prayers appreciated for that end of things. It really is difficult to keep my anger in check when it comes to money and how people treat it. The last few years have been one terrible financial experience after another, all with Christian folks I’ve trusted….most of them in the Christian film industry. It’s really a shame. Everyone ducking me when they have the chance, breaking promises, bringing up info and things that need to be paid for after work is done, people asking for money after they said something would be free, and various other things. It’s hard, and I don’t know how to handle it sometimes…especially when it puts my livelihood in jeopardy, and especially my films future. Liars and people who break promises and such especially concerning peoples dreams and such…how do you sleep at night? I hope you sleep well on your soft pillow in your big house with your fat bank account. Most don’t understand just how spoiled they are, shame on them. The worst business people I’ve come in contact with in the past few years have all been Christian folks, what does that say? I won’t bother explaining, you know exactly what it says, and it’s unfortunately no surprise. What does that say? LOL…ok I’ll stop. Also, if you think I’m talking about you (whoever you are reading this…), don’t get angry. I don’t apologize for writing it, and I guarentee some will think I’m talking about them when I’m not…so I look forward to that conversation/email/phone call. So why write it? Because it can help others who are looking to get into this industry and don’t know what they’re getting into. Some of these problems I described above are a result of my own mistakes too, in trusting some people I have. I need to live with that, but hopefully it can be of some help to someone. Nothing worse than mistakes simply bringing grief, with no learning coming from them. We need to be honest about our failures more, and our mistakes more…instead of putting on some squeaky clean persona. I would rather be honest about who I am…
I really don’t know how I’m going to make money next year, which is a scary thought. I’m already hounding people this year for money every month that owes it to me. The beginning of the year was good but it’s been downhill since April. I’ve been paying for every cost of this film on my own for a long time now. The budget the film had when we started has tripled, and every month there are more checks to write for more people and different purposes. I’m exhausted… Having a real budget that is planned out with funds for each department is going to be such a blessing next time. I look forward to that more than you know. Perhaps this film will catch someones attention and they’ll offer me a job? Perhaps it’ll just bring some more odd jobs my way? We will see… This film in many ways is a calling card to what I can do with little resources, so hopefully someone takes a risk on me to see what I can do if I actually had some resources? That would be cool. 
I just know that soon I hope to marry the girl of my dreams, and I want to make sure I can take care of her and take care of a future family.
I’m not sure where things are going to go or what God has in store, but I look forward to it all. I really need a break. I won’t be diving into another project after this, because I just won’t be able to stand it. It’ll take a while to recharge after such a taxing experience.
The next 20 days will determine the final quality of the project that’s taken almost every dime of my money, every moment of my time and energy, consumed my thoughts and driven many life decisions the past few years. It’s been incredibly rewarding and at the same time a nightmare of epic proportions. Call me a pity party if you want but until you go through something like this yourself…do me a favor and can it
The harvest this will hopefully reap will surely make all of it worth it…I look forward to that. Prayers appreciated as the month comes to a close, and prayers also appreciated for the following month and the one after in all that needs to be done beyond completing the final master. As grim as I might seem, I have a hope that only Christ can give, but it isn’t always easy to deal with all this stuff. It takes time, but I’m learning to cope little by little with each new unfortunate circumstance/situation.
Time for bed, BIG TIME.
