Life of Kyle

I’m so angry at myself right now.  From the moment I heard Mark Driscoll was going to Haiti I knew what I was in for when he got back home.  I knew he was probably going to be devastated, seeing all sorts of horrible and unspeakable things.  I knew as well that whatever sermon he did next, it was going to rock my world and whoever watched it.  Even knowing that, I was completely blind to how much I really needed it.  Seeing this footage and hearing Driscoll speak, it’s not difficult to cry.  I’ve felt this kind of anger before.  Seeing how spoiled we are, how spoiled I am.  We have daytime TV and reality shows where people complain their food is too cold, their designer shoes didn’t come in the mail on time, their appointment at the spa was rescheduled.

It’s always bothered me, the selfishness…

Gosh even trying to write this I’m having a hard time keeping it together.  I feel so horrible about myself.  I am such a hypocrite.  At the end of the sermon Driscoll gave he talked about giving of course.  Giving at Mars Hill was down a tremendous amount and he was explaining the percentage of people there that don’t give at all.  Giving is somewhere I lack.  Screw it, I’ll just be honest, I’m that percent.  I’ve been justifying my lack of giving because of my move over the summer, my recent financial situation, etc. and here I am working at home, making all sorts of money again, and giving a single dime is barely on my mind.  On my way home from Applebees after enjoying time with friends in a happy environment, eating hot food, I stopped at Wegmans to buy some munchies.  Garbage food for no other reason but taste and enjoyment.  Now I see it sitting in the bag I bought it in and it looks disgusting to me.  What a waste of money.

I’ve never been someone who liked the waste money, it actually drives me crazy…but what someones idea of ‘waste” is can change.  I need to stop being selfish.  I need to give Jesus the first fruits and not the last.  I’ve been a hypocrite, watching people on television, being angry at their selfishness while I in some respects was actually comparable to them.  Shame on me, shame on us.  I’m not writing this to present myself as some example for recognition of my “change.”  Please don’t read it that way.  I’m really wrecked about this and again I’m not saying that to look for pity or a hand on my shoulder.  My heart is that if your reading this, and your like me, that you repent…like I have to.  I’ve poured so much money into Standing Firm, and because of that neglected the giving to my own church, while I had the ability to do both and for that I’m so incredibly broken and sorry.  This ends today…

Even before all of this talking to Denise today I just told her that I’m so incredibly lucky to work at home.  I sit in the comfort of my bedroom in PJ’s with my cold cereal and a blanket and I make money.  That’s my life…that’s what I do.  What a ridiculous blessing of a life that is.  To realize that regardless of my DISGUSTING disobedience that God has continued to Bless me, even bring me out of the financial hole I was in at the end of 2009 (which was NOT a hole, just a slight slump) and give me the GREATEST month financially that I’ve ever had…I’m just beside myself with sickness in my heart.  What is wrong with me?  I’m so spoiled.  I seriously want to vomit it wrecks me so bad.  I want my life to be about Jesus, for Jesus, but somehow I’ve lost sight of this very large portion of my worship to Him.  I’m so thankful to have this truth pressed on me.  Please take what I’ve said to heart and examine yourself.  I hope this post shook some of you out of the funk you may be in.

Jesus has so much yet to do in my heart.  I hope that someday I can become the kind of man he wants me to be for Him.  Realizing holes in my heart like this and my negligence and my inability to see this kind of problem in myself far sooner than now makes me doubt so much about myself I can’t even explain it.  Just pray for me please as I have some serious searching to do.

Here is a segment from the Mars Hill video…Right Click ‘ Save Target As ‘