Life of Kyle Prohaska

Today was a boring day, not much to tell. All I did was resign from ministry, accept a new job, reject another, have a nervous breakdown, and get a big spiritual uplift afterwards. Like I said, not much to tell.

For those of you who are wondering which job I took…I took the one in LA. This means big changes for me in the next 6 weeks. My last day here will likely be the 26th of May. That will give me a few days to get to CA, get settled as best I can, and have a weekend to chill before starting my new job on June 1st…one day before my 21st Birthday. Yes folks, I’m only 20. Whether that shocks you or not, doesn’t matter. Those of you messaging me about the answers to life, your getting advice from a 20 year old. Just figured I would put that out there. I’m not saying that’s negative either, I just think most are unaware of just how young I am (it’s just a number in my opinion).

I had severe anxiety most of the morning, getting an upset stomach and feeling really sick. I went about my normal day thinking about things heavily and debating. Technically I made up my mind the night previous but I was still second guessing myself and things of that sort. Regardless I talked with my Pastor about my resignation and he alerted the deacons so they could work up a game plan for me leaving. I’ll be working with my Pastor from now until leaving to get him more acclimated to my actual job so he knows how to do most of it. My job isn’t difficult it just takes time, something most don’t have to “volunteer.” That’ll be a lot of time spent while I’m at work besides having the normal sunday morning video to do which wont be difficult. I’ve been at NFBC on staff for 3 years this May, its been a wild ride. So much has happened in the last 3 years, more than I care to share. What a roller-coaster it has been. Working in ministry has its ups and downs no doubt. Church politics sucks by the way, just figured I would make that clear. Take it from someone on the “inside.”

I eventually called David A.R. White who will be one of my new bosses at PureFlix Entertainment. I told him I wanted the job, worked out how to send me my paperwork, etc. I should get it tomorrow and fax it back by afternoon. I was going to wait to call Andre at Cloud Ten but figured it would roll around in my head if I didn’t get it over with quickly. I called and broke the news to him by which he was very respectful and understanding of my decision. I told him to keep me in mind for any “for hire” jobs in the future, help with small projects, etc. Anything I can do for them on a case by case basis for more pay I would do just like I would any other job like a website or graphic job. I hope they give me a call sometime, I know I could come in handy! Moving almost 3000 miles from everyone I know and everything I know will be a very difficult and scary thing, but I’ll have to trust that God will take care of me and keep me safe. I’ll need all of you out there to keep in touch and visa versa on my end. The enemy will no doubt try and bring me down quickly since my normal face to face accountability with friends/family will be extinguished.

I still don’t have a place to live and I’m hoping I can snag the original place I had in mind which it turns out is still open. I need to wire the money quickly and to do so I’ll be living off my American Express card for the next week and a half since I just got my last paycheck last friday. $750 a month + a damage deposit when I arrive end of May. All in call it’ll cost me quite a bit to move, 750 x 2 + gas to drive there which will be about $200 (my 05 Toyota Camry gets good gas milage).

When I arrived home, that’s when things got kinda bad. I came home to look at our movies edit and really evaluate where we are. I didn’t get through the whole thing, didn’t have a lot of time to because I was leaving for Vintage in an hour and a half or so. A large amount of anxiety filled my body soon after getting home and I looked at our film. A clock had started ticking when I woke up in the morning. I have 5 weeks to complete all shooting needed and ADR required. Seems completely doable to me if properly planned and I know exactly what I need. There lies the issue. I know what is left to shoot but I really need to be 100% sure there is nothing that needs strengthening and fixing via shooting to complete the film. I can’t afford to miss anything and the middle of the film is where the most holes are and uncertainty lies. The scenes are there but there is some shakiness I felt in terms of how strong it was, it needing a little tweak here or there, etc. There is a story change we made I haven’t fully hammered out yet that has to be figured out soon…before we shoot at Kevin Michael’s house again (the main house of the film). I felt worse and worse every ten minutes and I’m not sure why but I began to sob. Yes call me dramatic if you want, but I think it was just a big crashing of emotion falling down on me. Few other than those who have poured so much into something before would understand why. I wont get into all that as it isn’t worth restating and getting all fat headed about my “woe as me!” moment. Either way the feeling was fear, true fear that I won’t figure it out in time. Fear that all the people around the country that know of the film, are waiting for it, praying for it, etc. are going to be let down, and fear that all the work put in will be faltered or made less of because of my incompetence. I had a bit of a nervous breakdown and cried out to God for help on my knees in my bedroom. To give my wisdom to complete the film, patience and humility, the proper outlook, etc. I hadn’t felt so burdened since before we started shooting last year.

I calmed down a little bit and decided to go to Vintage as I said earlier. I knew I was really going to need it and talk to a few friends of mine to ask for some prayer, not just for the move but for the movie. It’s really hard feeling that way and not having someone to talk to. Sometimes I catch myself unloading my burdens and problems on people I barely know or those who are at an arms reach simply because I don’t really have someone I can do it with. I do but they aren’t close. I get sick of using the internet to talk to people and want a human face or someone to hug sometimes when things are really difficult. Might not sound like the “guy” thing to do but I don’t care at all. Guys need hugs too sometimes, and if your a guy reading this…admit it to yourself and stop being macho because nobody cares, lol.

Vintage was good, I didn’t show up with such a good smile on my face. I wasn’t upset but was sorta “neutral” in my appearance. I told a few friends about the news for moving and the movie and by the end of the night had 3 people pray for me specifically and during their prayers say how I was such an inspiration and example to them. That really touched me, and Blessed me a great deal. I didn’t really know I made people feel like that. I get Facebook messages and emails often of people encouraging and being very inspired by our film and things of the sort but having a human face or a friend come out and say stuff like that really gave me a lift. The message was about relationships tonight but within that was some core questions that I needed to hear. Stuff that I know and that I’ve battled with all during this films creation but every so often need an uplift and to be reminded just how far God has brought us. In the end the statement given (Mark 3 somewhere I believe), Jesus stated “Don’t be afraid. Just Believe.” That end part of the verse froze me in my chair and immediately made me start crying again. I just start repeating it to myself like a chant in my seat. I really needed to grasp that and hold on tight to it. It’s something I’ve had to deal with countless times making this film, having never made a film before…each time we started something new I had to cling to that very thought. It gave me a big boost and took away the anxiety even though I still have a lot to do! lol.

I bumped into a friend of mine also that will be able to really get things setup properly for our ADR which is a big deal to me. Not this Saturday but next he will be over with his box of goodies to make sure I have all the little pieces or annoying accessories I might need to get setup. It would take too long to ask him what I need, order something online, have it shipped, then realize you forgot something, etc. I don’t have time for that so he is going to help me out and I’m very grateful, thanks Paul.

Afterwards I went to Applebee’s with friends and had a great time and met some new people. We had fun chatting and joking as usual. Tuesdays are such a great night for me. I get to really feel my age when I go out lol, most of the time I feel 40+ like I already have a marriage and kids on my hands. Ministry is the marriage and the kids are the movie sorta.

One of the best and hardest days I’ve had in a long time. God has been faithful though and I’ll be ok. Thanks to everyone who has messaged me in the last 24 hrs to give me support, advice, prayers, encouragement, etc. I don’t think I really know just how many people are watching most of the time. Thank you all for caring so much about a 20 year old dude in Ransomville. As much as I may or may not inspire or encourage you all, you give back to me 10x over. Thank you so much, you don’t have any idea just how much you all mean to me.